Swimming
22 July 2026; 7:36pm
Lately, I've been thinking a whole lot about identity. And what, exactly, that means to me.
As I've gradually exited a very traumatic and overwhelming period of my life, I've been unfortunately faced with everything I was consciouslly ignoring or unconsciously dealing with. It's sort of like standing
at the edge of a lake that's been emptied of its water. You see everything underneath that's been left hidden for so long. That example actually
resonates with me a bit more because as a young kid I witnessed that actually happen. It's funny how things you haven't thought of in years can suddenly pop-up like that.
I think it was 16 years ago? Just a few weeks prior to my arrival, a dam broke that was holding back a lake I was visiting on vacation. All of the water rapidly flowed into a nearby river over the span of a few hours; ripping through communities,
leaving behind a bed of bare sand that probably hadn't seen sunlight in decades or possibly centuries. Trash was everywhere, families weeping, the economy on the brink and just a hair removed from The Great Recession. But I didn't mind.
I ran across the exposed lakebed with my parents and a childlike whimsy that couldn't be tamed, completely unaware of the devastating effect that event would have on the local industry. A lot of businesses that relied upon the lake went bust that year,
and combined with the already decreased tourism population, it spelled catastrophe. So many memories washed away into a sea of slush.
Despite that, I still have a faded Polaroid of myself cheesily grinning ear to ear next to an old discarded lawnmower that had been sitting beneath the lake for who knows how long. The rusted handles were just barely sticking up from the wet sand at the same height as the small kid beside it,
newly revealed after the flood. It had been just days since houses were crumbling into the water and floating away over the very spot I was standing. I didn't know that though. I just thought this lawnmower looked so funny, being in a place it didn't belong
and all, and begged my parents to take a picture of me with it.
So much innocence and joy found amongst even the most depressing of circumstances.
Up until recently, I felt a lot like that small tourist community I visited. Grieving people and experiences, awash in my own tragic events that always seemed to knock me off my feet right as I was beginning to stand up. Focused on the past,
what I lost and could never recover. Processing. Not looking forward because the present was demanding my attention. You're not worried about the fit of your swimtrunks and color of your outfit when you're treading water and trying not to drown.
In the immediate aftermath of my circumstances, coming out of the other side once I was ashore, I focused so heavily on what happened. Paralyzed by the past. But eventually you get past that. You heal. And then you do notice that your swimtrunks don't
fit quite right. You actually hate the color of your oufit, and come to think of it, why am I in this outfit? It feels like a costume. Why does it feel like a costume?
Why do I hate swimming?
You never hated swimming, you just disliked the way people perceived you when you went swimming. That constant reminder of what you were, and what you were not.
Season of Change
18 July 2026; 8:28pm
everything went from moving so slowly to so fast. we're already half way through summer and i feel like i've barely taken a breath. regardless, the world isn't slowing down any time soon and i've found myself
begrudgingly keeping pace. i think im making decent progress on this website, with a now rough outline of all the first pages completed. i've been hoping to have this all done by the time summer ends,
and preferably sometime in August, but we'll see. it's been a great creativity outlet as i can forget about it, come back to it weeks later, etc. otherwise i never finish anything.
speaking about never finishing anything, i finally made a breakthough on some personal stuff and have the first steps of a sort of transition scheduled for mid-August. it honestly doesn't feel real.
maybe i'll finally find the peace i've been chasing after for so long.
Deliberately Untitled
18 June 2026; 11:35pm
i love it when the world outside finally slows down late at night, most people have gone to
sleep, and i can focus on my thoughts enough they slow to something i can manage. listening to Exquisite Tension staring at the dim light of my monitor
wondering how ill ever finish the multiple projects i start and abandon. like this website.
there's a particular peace there. maybe there's just too much going on in the world (and my life), but there's a silent
comfort in being conscious knowing everyone else isn't. spending an hour staring outside my window listening to music. moreso in summer, the glow of the streelamps
and the soft humming of A/Cs complementing the cool breeze; it's cathartic. briefly interrupted by the harsh sounds of speedsters and drunks in the night unfortunately.
up until recently i really felt like i was being dragged kicking and screaming through life; an unwilling passenger on a train i never agreed to take. still feel like that in a way. healing takes time.
Eggshells
13 April 2026; 12:02am
it's been a while since i last wrote. honestly forgot about this whole writing thing. i probably need therapy. a lot has happened since august. i was fired, that wasn't fun. it did do a number on me
at the time, but i feel i've bounced back pretty well. my dad is cancer-free now. i got a new job, actually a great job, and for the first time in years i've felt a freedom i mourned missing. i also started a habit i've
been delaying for years, and actually stuck with it. how about that.
i've been thinking about my mortality a lot recently. hitting that big old "quarter century" mark. ouch. sometimes it feels like time is a stream and im just barely trying to grasp the water as it runs through my hands,
faster and faster. i miss college. i miss my old friends. it hasn't been easy since. but we're getting there. 2024 and 2025 were the "years of hell" and i'd really, really
like this one to be different.
i've come a long way over the past year identity wise. the shell cracked, and while it brought me some much needed relief internally, it opened up so many doors and concerns and worries that i don't know how to handle.
despite that, i think for the first time in a long, long time, i have hope. i've grounded myself. ive taken steps that i couldn't see years ago. i'm finally getting up, albeit slowly. not condemning mysellf to suffering and sadness. i can build a community, rebuild and repair past scars, etc. i just need to do more. ill need to get uncomfortable.
We're All Screwed
18 August 2025; 11:51pm
unfortunately im very human. the words on my screen are blurry and it's probably not long until i fall asleep in my chair. that would be bad for sticking to my writing habit. but i figured i'd write anyway. lots of thoughts up here.
what do I feel? lost? afraid? the past doesn't really haunt me as much as the present i guess. travesty after travesty. fascsism, facsists, oligarchy, technocracy, kleptocracy, corptocracy, whatever we're in i hate it. more than
hate it, i'm so exhausted by it. people dying, people celebrating those who are dying, and those that desperately clinging to a normalcy that doesn't exist and hasn't in a long time. what's my place in all this? i'm not really sure.