6 September 2026; 8:50pm

sometimes i'll think about all of the other people who are awake at the same time as me. whether they're in a different city, state, country, or continent. whether they're just starting their day and grabbing a morning coffee, just coming home after a 12-hour shift for a de-stress shower and hard sleep, or in the exact same space i often am.

that is, typically staring at the dim-glow of my monitor in my tiny apartment, softly illumintated by the celestial bodies outside and malfunctioning yellow street lights, bundled up with a hot drink three steps away from falling asleep.

very very original, i know.

what are they thinking about? what are they facing in their life and keeping inside, the secrets only the rats and the walls know about because they're whispered so quietly? what music do they like? what are they listening to? perhaps the biggest question of all, though, is there anyone out there like me? or maybe someone that could just be a friend. anyone that would know what this , whatever it is, feels like?

living life is a strange thing. you can lead a dozen different lives in your daylight hours, but at the end of the day, we all come back to something. even if that something is as small as a patch of grass behind the local Walmart where you know you won't be disturbed by the cops. and in that moment, some moment, we are alone. utterly alone and with our thoughts, unburdened by expectations, perceptions, and just able to breathe.

i breathe a lot. perhaps too much. i hope you can breathe sometimes too.

3 September 2026; 9:14pm

as summer gradually comes to an end, i've started to reflect on everything.

there's a lot.

i really do think i'll look back at this summer as one of the best in recent memory (comparable to 2018) ; the amount that's changed in my life has been truly incomprehensable and on a scale that makes the past few years look like jokes in comparison. to be fair, i planted a lot of the seeds that eventually became something a while ago, but it took a hell of a long time (and effort).

just off the top of my head ..

my old shitty little 1995 Mustang finally ate dirt after eight years. it's the only car i ever had up until now. it never had A/C, was rusting to all hell, was a deathtrap to drive in the ice and snow (i wouldn't wish driving RWD in frozen farm fields during a blizzard on anyone), and it was mine. upgrading it was a well-needed change but i also felt i've mourned one of the few connections i had to my pre-college years.

finally started therapy.

created this website!

started medically transitioning.

had my first facial piercing done.

and on...and on...

i'm immensely proud of how far i've gone in such a short period of time; it was just a short nine or so months ago that so much of this seemed an impossibility. seriously, i am so incredibly happy and in disbelief that things could turn around so quickly.

however, i am immensely tired. it's a type of tired that's not bad, but rather a slow-burning constant exhaustion of my energy. i may take a few months to recharge myself after overxtensioning after overextension, new experience after new experience, event after event. i can handle a lot of change, and i anticipate a bit more coming up, but i need to take a moment to breathe i think. fall will allow me to do that, hopefully. i'll at least try. the future remains unwritten and all that.

anyways, that's it for now. have a good night.

1 September 2026; 10:26pm

i'm extremely sleepy.

i consider it fall now. it's September. commence celebration!

i've also reached a month milestone. great! except i'm very sore. all the time. we take the good with the bad.

29 August 2026; 7:07pm

i can get a bit melodramatic. with that being said...

occasionally i'll break out of my regular emotional routine and have more of an "outside" perspective on things, if such a thing can exist. the best way to describe it is something to akin to what i've called a "lightbulb" event, not referring to having a new idea, but experiencing something that causes you to reflect on everything and think clearly in a way you don't normally do. suddenly not being in the headspace of your daily routine, but actively thinking about the past and your future in a deeper way. those moments where you get really existential for one reason or another. it sure doesn't happen very often for me.

for some reason, one of those moments is happening to me today. maybe it's because i'm very very tired writing this, or maybe it's the fact i've extended myself socially the past few days well beyond my usual tolerance which stirred some stuff up, but regardless, this is me writing during one of those reflective episodes for some reason.

i've been having higher highs and lower lows. you can probably see that in some of my recent posts honestly. There's been a lot of change, naturally, and I handle it in my own way. Slowly but surely the baseline has been rising, though, and while progress isn't linear, it definitely feels that way. Although i can get a bit, dramatic, and i tend to write without care and really whatever pops into my head (for better or worse, punctuation be damned) it's nice to see some sort of log taking shape. I started to write as a way of coping to a degree, and this website I'd wanted to do since I was 19. doing something that i'd delayed for damn near half a decade is definitely an indicator of something shifting, if nothing else.

I'll keep writing, keep remembering, keep changing.

Spirals

27 August 2026; 10:39pm

firstly, i think i'm going to edit these a lot less and let it be more of a "raw" blog. i realized i was probably self-censoring myself a little,and that's kindaaa against the whole point of this. so that starts now!

man, dysphoria has been absolutely kicking me lately. That, and the struggling that comes with rebuilding social skills that i left fester and rot for nearly three years. Where there was once i time i could confidently meet new people and build connections fairly easily, that time has been long gone. I'm not in university anymore, and I think im realizing just how much I relied on it as a social crutch of sorts. It's been rough but im slowly working my way up, forcing myself to attend karaoke nights with some of my partner's co-workers, and generally trying to rebuild my confidence. I've always been wierd and shy, but being isolated for the lenght of time I was would have a pretty decent effect on anyone.

I mentioned dysphoria, and while it's not something I write about quite often (for obvious reasons) it has absolutely exploded in the last few weeks. While ive officially started addressing it a lot more, and that cames with a lot of joy and general fulfillment, it's also resurfaced back in new ways i didn't anticipate. More conscious of myself in a mirror. More afraid everything won't work and I'll bee stuck forver seeing a version of myself that doesn't nearly match my internal image. I know it takes time, but damn if I'm not impatient.

So that's the latest news reel of my life. I've also been getting back into music a lot more (specifically folk punk) and listening to a lot of Sister Wife Sex Strike and Apes of the State, and it's reminded me of a better time about five years ago. Reclaiming who I was and all that. Who knows, maybe I'll finally pick up that guitar that's been collecting dust for years! I'm not a good singer, but maybe I can play something nice.

goodnight.

14 August 2026; 7:03pm

hello again. time has started feeling a lot different lately, it's been hard to remember to make posts. the mood is shifting, i can feel the seasons changing, etc. there's been a lot of emotion and change the last few months, some good, some bad, but i definitely felt for a moment like i was set on fire and smothering the flames with whatever i could. does that make sense?

we're approaching the end of the sumnmer, and while i'm dreading the oncoming winter hellscape, i'm generally looking forward to things in the near future. i'm looking fowards to fall, my annual re-watch of Over the Garden Wall, and of course Halloween. maybe i'm getting a bit ahead of myself, but it's another thing to look forward to. i made several big life changes recently and while they were definitely worth it, i do feel a bit exhausted by everything. it takes a lot for me to push myself out of my comfort zone so much, and trust me, i've extended myself far beyond what i thought i could acheive previously. starting to transition alone took years of effort. nevermind everything else.

i'll probably try to refine the website a bit soon, i definitely went too hard in the beginning and got everything to a "good enough" state, but my interest is returning somewhat. i'm probably going to trim my blog a bit, especially as i was in a very voliatile state writing a lot and now that i'm thinking a bit more clear i realize i kinda worded things differently from my intentions. anyways, i hope you're having a beautiful August day, and doing something that makes you happy. i know i'm trying.

9 August 2026; 4:45pm

well, i took the leap recently. and then another, and another. once you break a "wall" in your life, it becomes infinitely easier to break more walls. then, everything falls down and something that might've taken you years to work up to explodes in a violent cascade of change, all at once.

that's definitely what the last few weeks have felt like, at least. i started my medical transition, something i'd be working towards for years. suddenly, i finally had the confidence to undertake several items on my to-do list i'd be proscratinating on for years. piercings, tattoos, medical check-ups, wardrobe overhauls, interacting with that one friend you accidentally ghosted several years ago. you get the idea.

and it's so freeing. the last few years, i really felt like i lost a part of myself. i felt that whatever confidence, optimism, etc, i had around COVID, had been squeezed away into an ambivalent but tolerable apathy that had to dominate my pysche for the forseeable future. i stopped living for the future, per se. although i've felt i've lost time, i have plenty to make it up.

i picture myself in one year's time, and for the first time in a long time, i'm smiling. that's a good feeling