26 July 2026; 7:40pm

Honestly, i can't believe it's almost here.

By it, i mean the day i get the prescription i've poured so much into getting that i nearly drove myself mad in the process. Money, emotional strain, long nights stained by tears, hope, joy, and an amount of time that stretches behind me so far it's kinda hard to comprehend at this time. Shit, i gave up on it a long time ago. There was roughly a decade where i just decided that rather than getting that prescription, whereas i'd be risking my relationship, my family, my career, and pretty much everything i cared about, i'd resign myself to a numbness many know and are comfortable living in. Pretending you didn't know what was wrong is exhausting, and it will wreck you. Not fun!

good career path, good school, good relationship, good (enough) family? friend, time, fodo car? all checked for a time.

I could write a hundred more lines on items that presented an image on paper that everything was absolutely okay and i had no reason to feel any type of emotion except manic joy. Look at what you had! What you have! However, there was always that feeling being strangled in a lockbox somewhere in the recesses of my mind that was making just enoughnoise to dampen my everlasting party. I really kick myself now for not confronting it sooner, but hey, cycles are hard to break.

Maybe someday i'll elaborate a bit more on how this came to be, how that played out, the feelings i felt, etc. For now though, i'm focused on the present and what's coming. The excitement of actually following through on a promise i never thought i'd be able to keep and making my younger self proud in a way i never thought myself strong enough to do. I'm allowing myself to feel the joy that comes with change for once in my damn life. And that feels pretty good.

22 July 2026; 7:36pm

Lately, I've been thinking a whole lot about identity. What that means to me, etc.

As I've gradually exited a very overwhelming period of my life, I've been faced with everything I was consciouslly ignoring or unconsciously dealing with. It's sort of like standing at the edge of a lake that's been emptied of its water. You see everything underneath that's been left hidden and probably not meant to be seen. That example actually resonates with me a bit more because I witnessed that actually happen a long time ago. It's funny how things you haven't thought of in years can suddenly pop-up like that.

I think it was 17 years ago? Just a few weeks prior to my arrival, a dam broke that was holding back a lake I was visiting on vacation. All of the water rapidly flowed into a nearby river over the span of a few hours; ripping through communities, leaving behind a bed of bare sand that probably hadn't seen sunlight in decades or possibly centuries. TIt ended badly to say the least. But I didn't mind as I was a kid. I ran across the exposed lakebed with my parents and a childlike whimsy that couldn't be tamed, completely unaware of the devastating effect that event would have on the local industry. A lot of businesses that relied upon the lake went bust that year, and combined with the already decreased tourism population during the post-recession years, it spelled catastrophe. So many memories washed away into a sea of slush.

Despite that, I still have a faded Polaroid of myself cheesily grinning ear to ear next to an old discarded lawnmower that had been sitting beneath the lake for who knows how long. The rusted handles were just barely sticking up from the wet sand at the same height as the small kid beside it, newly revealed after the flood. It had been only a few days since houses were crumbling into the water and floating away over the very spot I was standing. I didn't know that though. I just thought this lawnmower looked so funny, being in a place it didn't belong and all, and begged my parents to take a picture of me with it.

Up until recently, I felt a lot like that small tourist community I visited. Grieving people and experiences, awash in my own tragic events that always seemed to knock me off my feet right as I was beginning to stand up. Focused on the past, what I lost and could never recover. Processing. Not looking forward because the present was demanding my attention. You're not worried about the fit of your swimtrunks and color of your outfit when you're treading water and trying not to drown.

In the immediate aftermath of my recent circumstances, coming out of the other side once I was ashore, I focused so heavily on what happened. Paralyzed by the past in a way. But eventually you get past that; you heal. And then you do notice that your swimtrunks don't fit quite right. You actually hate the color of your oufit, and come to think of it, why am I in this outfit? It feels like a costume. Why does it feel like a costume? Now that I think about it, why did I hate swimming? I couldn't answer that question for a really long time. Eventually, though, I realized that I just disliked the way people perceiving me when I went swimming. Nothing to do with the water itself. That constant reminder of what you were, and what you were not.

18 July 2026; 8:28pm

everything went from moving so slowly, to not so slowly. we're already half way through summer and i feel like i've barely taken a breath. regardless, the world isn't slowing down any time soon and i've found myself begrudgingly keeping pace. i think im making decent progress on this website, with a now rough outline of all the first pages completed. i've been hoping to have this all done by the time summer ends, and preferably sometime in August, but we'll see. it's been a great creativity outlet as i can forget about it, come back to it weeks later, etc. otherwise i never finish anything.

speaking about never finishing anything, i finally made a breakthough on some personal stuff and have the first steps of a sort of transition scheduled for mid-August. it honestly doesn't feel real. maybe i'll finally find the peace i've been chasing after for so long.

Deliberately Untitled

18 June 2026; 11:35pm

i love it when the world outside finally slows down late at night, most people have gone to sleep, and i can focus on my thoughts enough they slow to something i can manage. listening to music staring at the dim light of my monitor wondering how ill ever finish the multiple projects i start and abandon. like this website.

there's a particular peace there. maybe there's just too much going on in the world (and my life), but there's a silent comfort in being conscious knowing everyone else isn't. spending an hour staring outside my window listening to music. moreso in summer, the glow of the streelamps and the soft humming of A/Cs complementing the cool breeze; it's cathartic. briefly interrupted by the harsh sounds of speedsters and drunks in the night unfortunately.

up until recently i really felt like i was being dragged kicking and screaming through life; an unwilling passenger on a train i never agreed to take. still feel like that in a way. healing takes time.

Eggshells

13 April 2026; 12:02am

it's been a while since i last wrote. honestly forgot about this whole writing thing. i probably need therapy. a lot has happened since august. i was fired, that wasn't fun. it did do a number on me at the time, but i feel i've bounced back pretty well. my dad is cancer-free now. i got a new job, actually a great job, and for the first time in years i've felt a freedom i mourned missing. i also started a habit i've been delaying for years, and actually stuck with it. how about that.

i've been thinking about my mortality a lot recently. hitting that big old "quarter century" mark. ouch. sometimes it feels like time is a stream and im just barely trying to grasp the water as it runs through my hands, faster and faster. i miss college. i miss my old friends. it hasn't been easy since. 2024 and 2025 were the "years of hell" and i'd really, really like this one to be different.

i've come a long way over the past year identity wise. the shell cracked, and while it brought me some much needed relief internally, it opened up so many doors and concerns and worries that i don't know how to handle. despite that, i think for the first time in a long, long time, i have hope. i've grounded myself. ive taken steps that i couldn't see years ago. i'm finally getting up, albeit slowly. not condemning mysellf to suffering and sadness. i can build a community, rebuild and repair past scars, etc. i just need to do more. so much more.